The Forest
It was a typical Halloween night. My friend group decided to throw a Halloween party. We posted the address on all our social media. Many people showed up, people from our school, other schools, as well as people that we had never seen before. It was around 3:00 AM and I was exhausted, so I decided to go to my friend's bedroom, so I could sleep. At first, I was not able to fall asleep. I was staring at the ceiling. I felt myself fall asleep slowly, the music started to fade away until I could not hear a single thing. That night, I had the strangest dream. I don´t know if I should call it a dream or a nightmare. I was in the middle of nowhere. I looked around and there were trees surrounding me. There were many paths, I'm guessing, leading to different paths.
There were many paths. I looked around and I was not sure about which path to take. I decided to go with my gut feeling and go through the first path. I started to walk, I walked approximately 20 minutes. I noticed that it started getting darker the more I walked. I did not let the darkest stop me. I was not sure where the path would lead me to but I was too afraid to stop walking. I kept walking but all of a sudden I heard the sound of branches creaking behind me. I could hear the wind whistling around disturbing the leaves. I knew that something or someone was following. I stopped for a couple of seconds and it got closer to me, I felt something slightly touch the back of my shoulder. I turned around and saw a shadow fade away into the trees.
I did not have my phone, so I had to way to communicate with anyone. I tried to scream but there was no sound coming out of my mouth. I felt like I did not have a voice. I was very frustrated, I started to feel tears running down my face. I felt hopeless. It was getting darker and I did not have any source of light. At that point, I was running helplessly, trying to find a place to spend the night. I was running and I heard feet shuffling through detritus, my feet got tangled up in what it seemed to be a piece of clothing. I tried to untangle my feet very fast but my actions seemed to not be doing anything at all. I grabbed my face and once again, I tried to scream. I took a look at my hands and I had blood all over my face and hands. I looked at the piece of clothing and under it, there were some sort of animal parts.
At this point, I knew that there was something following me, and it was probably watching me. The creature that was following me was probably the same creature that devoured the animal next to my leg. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, I saw a black creature right in front of my face. It was really dark, so I could not distingish what it was. All I remember is that it was black and it had red eyes. I kept trying to scream but no sound was coming out of my mouth. I tried to push it away but it would not fall down. It was finally backing away, but all of a sudden it slowly kept going forward, until the creature dove down my throat. With an intense inhale, I awoke.
For AO2, I would give you fifteen marks considering your clear expression, range of language, and complex sentences. Your expression was well written and flowed nicely. You wrote creatively and accurately for a range of audiences. 15/25
ReplyDeleteYou had occasional errors for example, the word ‘distingish’ used in paragraph four is spelled distinguish. The last sentences in paragraph three are a little challenging to comprehend as well. You wrote, “I grabbed my face and once again, I tried to scream. I took a look at my hands, and I had blood all over my face and hands. I looked at the piece of clothing, and under it, there was some sort of animal parts.” There is so much going on here that it's tough to keep up. Next time I suggest slowing down your thoughts a little.
Though the organization of your text along with your ideas are developed clearly, throughout your four paragraphs, I was able to follow the story you were conveying. “It was a typical Halloween night”, “It was around 3:00 AM….” These sentences helped set the scene and provide dates/times, which is necessary.
Your content was relevant to the prompt and provided a clear sense of mystery and eerie occurrences. Although you never fully identified the location as a ‘forest,’ we can assume so from content like, “ I was in the middle of nowhere. I looked around, and there were trees surrounding me.”
Good job :)
Hi.
ReplyDeleteOn the AO2 scale, I would award you with 7 marks. Mainly because I felt that the structure of your sentences was very choppy and repetitive/basic in lexical choices. Also in your writing, there were a few punctuation errors. I found them mostly with your commas and periods.
I would call your content mostly relevant as it doesn't all relate to the forest, but I understand that's part of developing the scene. As far as the scene goes I did find it to be structured well as far as the storyline goes. However, for content, a more developed use of descriptions and feelings could have added more to the eerie atmosphere the prompt entailed you to write about. As the reader, I had trouble translating this emotion from your writing.